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Are You Holding Space Or Being Abused By Your Partner?

I live in Vancouver, BC.

Possibly the yoga capital of Canada.

Needless to say?

“Spirituality” is a popular local topic here.

Just south of where I live in the downtown core is a district called Kitsalano. It’s proximity to the beaches make it a real popular place for those new age yoga girls.

Can’t say I mind.

The views are amazing.

I have a buddy who is in love with Lulu Lemons.

Given my preferences regarding the female form?

I don’t withhold my vote there either.

But one of the more common themes these girls often promote is the idea that as a guy you should “hold space” for them. Whenever they are struggling with difficult emotions you should seek to simply BE THERE in silence with them.

This topic of holding space?

It definitely is an interesting one.

As best as I can tell what it REALLY means?

She should be able to use you as an emotional punching bag.

Recently I’ve already told you when she is PMSing you should run for the hills. There is nothing rational about a girl at that time of month so you should definitely be busy until she gets through it.

Hmmm.

What this probably means?

I’m not a real “holding space” proponent either.

Don’t get me wrong girls.

I respect your right to feel what you’re feeling.

After all?

You are much more emotional creatures.

But there is a definite difference between “feeling the feels” and expecting your partner to absorb it. Especially when you begin to project all those negative emotions onto him.

Despite this though?

I absolutely DO believe in “being there.”

Being a strong shoulder to cry on.

Feeling what you feel?

I’m all about that.

What I’m not about is being the recipient of actual DRAMA.

I wrote some time ago how relationship coach David Deida thinks it’s your job as a guy to accommodate her emotional insecurities. Sorry but that’s not something you should EVER sign up for.

Listen girls.

That’s just subjecting your partner to ABUSE.

Blaming him for how you’re feeling?

Making your struggles all about him?

What are you thinking?

That’s definitely not going to encourage him.

If you want him to really “be there” for you?

You have to stop equating him with your problems when they’re occurring.

So how about we make a deal with you girls? We will definitely be there to “hold space” for you. But the moment you begin to irrationally project your problems onto us? We will exit stage left until you stop going there.

Holding space does NOT mean absorbing abuse.

It means comforting you in your struggles.

Every couple should be doing that.

Guys for girls.

Girls for guys.

That’s part of what valuing your partner means.

What do you say? Have you been misunderstanding the concept of “holding space” and using it as an excuse to abuse your partner?

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