I’ll admit there are times I wonder.
“Have I just created a lovestyle for avoidants?”
After all what does my tagline read?
“Enjoy love without losing your independence” right?
I’m sure when some of you read about my approach to love it brings to mind the phrase “extreme independence.” Kind of like what a recent article by Patricia Williams is talking about.
But if that’s the way you see Romantic Friendships?
You haven’t been paying attention.
While I definitely insist your needs are YOUR job?
That doesn’t mean you can fulfill your own desire for romantic love.
The subject of needs is an interesting one though because you always fall somewhere along a spectrum. As a person you are either more individualist or communitarian “out of the box.”
But as Patricia says in her article?
“Out of the box” is somewhat of a misnomer.
Usually that box you think is “you?”
It was messed with when you were young.
If your parents weren’t there for you then you likely came “out of the box” quite needy. If like me you had a parent who emotionally leeched off you then your tendencies are likely much more avoidant now.
Nonetheless needing love?
That doesn’t give you any entitlement.
It’s still your job to meet your own needs.
They are nobody else’s responsibility but yours.
To enjoy romantic love of course you do need to find somebody to share it with you. But the way you do that is not by insisting your partner meet your needs but by being someone who they will DESIRE.
When you get your eyes OFF your own needs?
When you focus instead on valuing and sharing yourself with your partner?
That’s when your partner will naturally love you back.
If they don’t?
Then just move on.
If you see what I’m sharing here as a “trauma response” you need to take a closer look in the mirror. If you feel it’s your right to have your partner meet your needs you’re just plain wrong.
The only way to have love is to let it go.
If it comes back to you then you “have” it.
But only if it continues to return again and again.
You always have to hold it with an open hand.
What do you think? When I tell you that you can enjoy love without losing your independence do you see now how the kind of independence I’m advocating for isn’t actually extreme at all?